One area of our culture that has arrested my observation is our (Isoko) traditional marriage ceremony. I find it very captivating, convivial, spiritually meaningful and socially magnetizing. To all intents and purposes, our forefathers who bequeathed it to us had very deep insight.
I have attended numerous traditional weddings. I have also been centrally involved in exchange of vows between brides and bridegrooms: exchange between couples of the same village, of the same clan, of different clans; exchange between couples of Isoko indigenes and different ethnic groups, etc. While the ceremony may vary a bit in an inter ethnic setting, the intra-Isoko (i.e. between Isoko and Isoko) setting is highly customized. My concernis chiefly about Isoko traditional weddings which are being infiltrated by alien traditions. It is a new trend (we will come back to the issue).
The usual scenario of the Isoko traditional ceremony bequeathed to us is more or less as follows: representative families (mother’s and father’s sides) of the Bridegroom go to meet representative families of the bride, each side with their spokesperson; bride’s group welcome their visitors with cola nuts, cash, drinks etc; members of the group support (“wedge”) the “kola presentation”; merriment/pleasantries by all; introduction of the mission; after “hide and seek” or “mind game” between the two groups the mission (betrothal) is tabled; requirements from the Bride’s group (dowry, drinks, etc) are agreed and settled; traditional marriage vows between couples, sealed and witnessed by both parties; more merriment – drinks/goodies from groom’s side, food (if affordable, “owo” soup/banga soup with starch) from bride’s side.
Of course there are more details about the whole process, with little variation here and there. Back to the issue. Gradually, it is becoming the habit of some of our people to turn the “presentation of kola” during traditional wedding into a business affair, into entrepreneurship (or “marripreneurship”?) for profit. Such people insist that whatever is presented by the people of the bride to welcome their guests (in-laws-to-be) must be doubled by the groom’s people when they are reciprocating the “kola” gesture. In other words the quantity/value of the kola nuts, cash, drinks, etc, provided by the hosts must be doubled by the guests.
Work it out: N1 for N2; N10,000 for N20,000; N100,000 for N200,000, and soon and on to infinity, as the mathematicians would say.
Is there any Isokoness in this incipient habit? Is it a welcome change? It is true that we are in an ever changing world. Sociologists also tell us that culture is not static but dynamic. But they also warn that the change must add value to life and culture. What value is the new habit adding to Isoko tradition? Proponents of this “new improved” tradition argue that it is a tradition widely practiced by a neighbouring tribe and so there is nothing wrong in our joining them, for a change. Since when has Isoko become a copycat? Is the new practice superior to what Isoko has on ground? “Presentation of kola” is like what we call “Oma were oma” (people mutually cherishing their togetherness). It is more or less a social and spiritual bonding. Kola presentation is a signal that the host welcomes his guest from the bottom of his heart. The size of the “kola” is never predetermined, never forced; the spirit behind is what matters. Similarly when the host’s group support (“wedge”) the kola, it is voluntary…according to their ability and self-motivation. When the “kola” is shared, it does not matter whether a person gets a morsel of the kola nut, one kobo of the cash or only a sip of the drink. It must go round, to the rich, the poor, the old and the young (whoever is physically present during the presentation).
In Isoko culture the size or scope of kola presentation during a traditional wedding depends on what the hosts and in-laws-to-be can afford and what image/impression they intend to give. While other requirements of the ceremony (bride price/dowry, amounts/items for the bride’s nuclear and extended families, etc.) are in a prescribed list, the “kola” is never manipulated. Sharing “kola” depicts the oneness of the families. Infact the spirit of oneness is demonstrated when the dowry/other requirements have been met. The bride’s group gives back a small proportion of the paid dowry to the bridegroom’s group. In Isoko it is believed that cash and other benefits can still flow from the bridegroom and inlaws, on and on, after the traditional wedding. Therefore payment of dowry cannot be total and terminal. The “Oni aye” and “Ogor” (father-in-law) relationship continues ad infinitum.
The “imported” style of kola presentation can cause confusion and generate bad blood between the two parties; infact I witnessed such. The host (bride’s people) had arranged for kola presentation (kola nuts, cash, drinks, etc.) worth N20,000 expecting the groom’s people to reciprocate with N40,000 so as toshare a profit of N20,000. When the groom’s people presented something worth N10,000 there was anger, trading of insults, boasting and arrogance. It nearly resulted in a fight, to the bewilderment of the young, innocent couple-to-be. Although the matter was settled somehow, one can sense that the scars of the wounds (of kola presentation) would linger on. What type of in-laws will they be later on? In-laws that would not see eye to eye?
What is the point of making profit from “kola presentation”? To get kola nut’s share to satisfy the stomach? To buy clothes or to pay children’s school fees? Our forefathers said: “Oso ro ebe vo ho, ko igrigri”? (rain fell, you could not fill your bucket, is it the dew drops that will fill it for you?). If you did not have kola or drinks before, is it the kola money that will provide for you in life?
Still on the profit motive, is it sustainable? Logically speaking, if the hosts should get double of whatever they present as “kola”, what prevents them from borrowing to finance the kola presentation, knowing that the profit will be 100%. What prevents Shakespeare’s Shylock in-laws from borrowing from Banks huge sums, such as N1 million, N5 million etc so as to get equivalent amounts as again? Is that smartness? Is that morally right? As mentioned earlier, the main purpose of the traditional wedding ceremony is union, bonding and conviviality between two groups/families. That is what our forefathers bequeathed to us. It is still culturally relevant and desirable. The “kola presentation” is not to fill pockets or stomachs.
The new trend is alien, abhorrent and distasteful to Isoko culture.
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